You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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