There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
