They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
40s are totally the cure
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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