if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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