the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
