Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
