Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
