hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
