Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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