Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
foreskin is a definite game changer
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
