no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
