I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
