I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
