Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
