Capitaan dildo arrescate!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
