Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
