I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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