Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
