I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
