I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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