I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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