Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Randomize
