If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Then you guys just all showered together...?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
