so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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