Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
