Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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