Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
