omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
