I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
