Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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