I can tuck mytits in my pants
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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