Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
