Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
