The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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