between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
