Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
