I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
