she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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