i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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