I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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