i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
