I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
