She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
