the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
