Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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