I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
