help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
