fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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