People in love make me want to vomit
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
