im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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